We know when we mess up, we see it in their behaviour, body language, facial expressions and tone of voice and we feel it churning in the pit of our stomachs. We care about them and our relationship, we want to make it better and reconnect. So why is it SO hard to apologise?
There are plenty of reason why you may find it hard to say sorry. Your expectations, beliefs and past experiences could all be making it feel much more scary than it should. First lets start with some myth busting:
Myth: Saying Sorry means saying its all my fault even when its not.
Truth: Sorry isn’t a confession of guilt, its an acknowledgment of the other persons feelings. A true apology acknowledges the impact your choice had on the experience of someone else and tells them you care about how they feel. You can say “I’m sorry what I did hurt you” even if it’s a decision you would make again, like stopping a toddler from putting a worm in their mouth, or saying no to attending an event with your partner.
Myth: Saying “I’m Sorry” is a whole apology
Truth: Saying “I’m Sorry” is one part but its not the whole picture, an apology has several steps that we’ll look at a bit later.
Myth: Apologising to your children means they’ll see you as weak.
Truth: Apologising to your children repairs the damage done to the relationship and teaches your child(ren) they deserve respect and care. Through your apology they learn how to navigate conflict healthily, develop empathy and accountability and they’re more likely to develop healthy relationships with people who respect them.
Myth: If I apologise the other person has to stop talking about what they think I did wrong.
Truth: If you’re apologising to shut someone up, you still haven’t apologised.
Past Experiences
I don’t know about you but when I was a kid, particularly at school every apology I witnessed and was told to give was the same.
Adult : “You upset A, Say you’re sorry.”
Child 1: “Sooorrrryyyy”
Adult: “They said Sorry that’s better isn’t it. That’s it cheer up, and go play.”
Child 2: [still crying, sniffs and nods, clearly still upset]
Maybe when you apologised to the adults in your life, your apology was followed up with a rant about how you’re always leaving messes and never tidy up, followed by “Next time I’m taking your tv privileges away for a week!”
Being berated after saying sorry isn’t a great way to encourage anyone to feel safe to do it again. Its much more likely to leave you feeling shamed, scared and avoidant,.
after all what’s the point if you’re just going to get shouted at anyway?!
Now, I don’t know about you but any time anyone says the word “sorry” as a whole apology I don’t feel any better, in fact often I feel worse. This is because there is no acknowledgement of my feelings, I haven’t been given the opportunity to advocate for myself and I haven’t been included in the resolution. A real apology is about the hurt person’s feelings and the repair comes when they feel validated, cared for and understood.
Relational Safety
Saying sorry, accepting you’ve hurt someone and taking responsibility for repairing the damage is an incredibly vulnerable thing to do. If you don’t feel safe in your relationship and you’re afraid of how the other person will respond, its going to be really hard to be vulnerable with them. You’ll know when you’re in a safe relationship because you feel like you can be yourself, you don’t have to hold back or behave in certain ways for the other person to love you.
Self-esteem
How you talk to yourself matters as much as how the person you’re apologising to talks to you. If your internal voice is critical and blaming, you might assume that the person you want to apologise to will be the same. Its so hard to accept responsibility for something without feeling like you’re a bad person when your inner voice is bullying you. This can make saying sorry and taking responsibility feel scary and the thought of it might be enough to make your stomach turn.
No Role Model
We learn so much about how to behave, our value and how to navigate relationships by how our parents interact with us and watching them interact with each other. If you had parents who were unable to model healthy repairs and apologies in relationships you may not have learned why they matter or how to do them.
By now you might have an idea about what is getting in the way, so lets look at some things you can do to help you say sorry, heal your relationship and bring you closer to the person(s) you love.
Overcoming the Barriers
We’ve looked at a few things that might be making saying sorry really hard and busted some myths. Things like fear or shame created from past experiences, a lack of relational safety and low self-esteem are a lot harder to change, but not impossible.
Creating relational safety is something that is done with the other person, it takes time and requires you to take chances on them, set healthy boundaries, develop curiosity and responsibility. Things that damage relational safety are, lying, people pleasing (not saying what you mean in favour of saying the thing you think they want to hear), unclear or inconsistent boundaries, blame, shame, criticism and contempt. You can read more about how to heal relationships in my blog Strengthening Your Relationship: How Couples Therapy Can Help.
Growing your self-esteem and turning the volume down on that critical inner voice can be challenging and is a long game. Practicing self-compassion, getting to know that voice and understanding where it comes from, can help build your confidence. Healthy self-esteem gives you confidence in who you are and your worth, giving you a safe foundation to be vulnerable and accountable without it damaging your self-esteem. This is a journey I’ve walked myself and I know how hard it can be. Even the idea of being confident triggers thoughts like “Who do you think you are?” BUT (here comes the important part) it is possible to become confident without being arrogant. It is possible to know you are good, without being up yourself. If you’d like help with this get in touch and lets do it together.
Past experiences are linked to both relational safety and low self-esteem, if you’ve been shamed blamed, criticised or subjected to contempt its going to affect how safe you feel to be vulnerable and be held accountable for your mistakes. Individual therapy can support you to reflect on and get to know how these experiences have shaped you. Couples therapy can help you both understand how your own, each others’ and your shared past experiences are affecting the ways you show up in your relationship.
How to Do It Badly
Before we look at how to do it well, lets first look at how not to do it. Here are some examples of bad apologies:
- I’m sorry, but if you hadn’t rushed me I wouldn’t have forgotten it.
- I’m sorry you feel that way.
- I’m sorry you see it like that.
- I’m sorry I’m late, but you’re always doing stuff to upset me so we’re even.
- I’m sorry, but I wouldn’t have cheated if you made me feel better about myself.
- I’m sorry, but I did the washing up like you asked.
None of these are apologies, none of these tell the person who is hurting that you take responsibility for how your choices or actions affected them. They are all defensive and/or deflective and place the focus on someone or something else. None of them are going to help you feel closer to the person you care about.
A bad apology is worse than no apology
Its easy to think that any attempt at saying sorry is better than nothing, but that’s unlikely to be the case. Saying sorry badly can actually cause more damage than no apology at all. Have you ever received any of the above examples? If you have, can you remember how it felt to hear? I imagine you might have felt angry, hurt, devastated, rejected or maybe even numb.
When we make a bad apology, we create more damage and often the message the other person hears is “I don’t care about how you feel.” When you don’t feel ready to apologise, or to talk about the issue its ok to say nothing. You may want to let the other person know you haven’t forgotten and want to talk to them about it, but you want to do it well and you’re not ready yet. It can be a really good idea to agree a time to check in with each other again in a few hours or days so they know its important to you too and you’re not just avoiding it.
How to do it properly
Harriette Lerner literally wrote the book on how to apologise, its called “Why Won’t You Apologise” and its available as an audiobook as well as paper and hardback copies. It is an incredibly accessible and sometimes humorous read. I often suggest it to clients to work through as a couple, for their own personal development or healing. My absolute favourite quote from her is “Get your But out of your apologies.” When we say “but” in any context we minimise the value of what was said before and put emphasis on what comes after.
“The house was on fire, BUT its out now and we can go on with our lives.”
“I forgot the cat food, BUT I remembered this very large and delicious chocolate cake.”
So when you say “Sorry, But you rushed me” you’re minimising the apology and focusing on blame. It can be easy to think that if you follow sorry with something good you did that’s the exception to the rule, “Sorry i did that, but look I’ve bought you a present.” And I’m sorry BUT you’re wrong, this isn’t better (See what I did there?). This directs the attention away from your mistake and towards something else. This is a manipulation that makes it difficult for the hurt person to say how they felt without seeming ungrateful. It lacks accountability or acknowledgement of the other persons feelings and experiences. So in the wise words of Harriet Lerner, get your but out of your apologies.
The rules of a good apology
- The apology is for the hurt person, not the apologiser
- Acknowledge their feelings and experience
- Let them know you understand their perspective
- You don’t have to let go of your truth to make space for theirs
- Discuss how to move forward
- Say you’re sorry for the pain your actions have caused them
- Remember the goal of a good apology is not a battle of who’s reality is more right, its to bring you back together and heal the relationship
Summary
So in summary an apology is about healing the damage in your relationship with the person or people who matter most to you. They aren’t about power or righteousness, they are about connection, compassion and care. A real apology is heartfelt and absent of defensiveness or a desire to win. They are a relational skill that can heal a lot more than you imagine. An apology is a gift to your loved one, your relationship and yourself.
If you’d like help to learn more ways about how to improve your relationships either as an individual or as a couple, get in touch today and let me help you strengthen your relationship to yourself and the people who mean the most to you.