When we talk about relationships whether with a partner, a parent, a child, or even with ourselves, attachment theory is one way of understanding why we feel and react the way we do.

Attachment theory is the idea that how we connected with our caregivers early in life shapes how we connect with others later on. These early experiences write the map we use to understand and navigate the world, including our place in it. The patterns we formed in childhood often stay with us, showing up in our romantic relationships, friendships, and even in the way we relate to ourselves.

This doesn’t mean we are stuck like this, it just helps us find the starting place to understand why and who you are. Sometimes just like a road map, our inner map needs up dating to account for new routes and roads.

Counselling whether in a couple or individually is a space to gently notice these patterns, explore where they come from, and begin to learn and make space for other ways of being too.

Attachment Theory and Couples Counselling

In couples counselling, attachment patterns often reveal themselves quickly.

• One partner may long for closeness and reassurance, while the other may need space to feel safe.
• Sometimes both partners may fear abandonment, leading to tension and misunderstanding.
• Or perhaps old wounds get triggered, making small disagreements feel much bigger than they really are.

Couples counselling rooted in attachment theory doesn’t focus on blame or crowning a winner. Instead, it helps you both understand why each of you react the way you do, and what your nervous system is really asking for in moments of conflict or stress.

Through this process, couples can begin to:

• Communicate your needs more openly.
• Soften defensive patterns like shutting down or chasing for reassurance.
• Create safety and trust in the relationship.

It’s not about “fixing” yourself or each other. It’s about learning to turn towards one another, even in moments of difficulty, and to find new, healthier ways of being together.

Attachment Theory in Individual Counselling

Attachment patterns don’t only show up in romantic relationships they affect how we relate to ourselves, too.

In individual counselling, exploring attachment might involve noticing:

• How comfortable (or uncomfortable) it feels to rely on others.
• Whether self-criticism feels more familiar than self-compassion.
• How past relationships continue to shape present choices and feelings.

Working with a counsellor can help you build a more secure attachment. This means developing a sense of inner safety, trust, and self-worth, even if your early experiences didn’t provide this.

In practice, this often looks like:

• Self-Soothing - Learning to regulate your nervous system in times of stress.
• Calming the Inner Critic -  Building self-compassion and a kinder inner dialogue.
• Healthy Relationships - Developing healthier, more fulfilling relationships with others, and with yourself.

 

Why Attachment Work Matters

Whether you’re coming to counselling alone or with a partner, attachment theory offers a map. It helps make sense of the ways we protect ourselves, the longings we carry and the patterns we find ourselves repeating.

Most importantly, attachment work offers hope. Because attachment is not fixed, it is fluid and we can build towards healthier attachments. Within the safety of a therapeutic relationship, new experiences of connection, trust, and understanding can reshape the way we relate. This can open space to feel safe experiencing deeper intimacy, a compassionate relationship with ourselves as well as create and maintain safety through healthy boundaries.

If you’re curious about how attachment theory might be playing out in your own life or relationship, counselling can be a supportive space to explore this. I offer both individual and couples counselling, online and in-person. You’re welcome to reach out for a no strings attached short call to see if you’d like to work together.