Trigger warning: This post mentions abuse, aggression and Trauma. Please take care of yourself, remember at any time you can stop reading and seek support if needed.

What Are attachment styles?

AS a small child you relied full on your primary caregivers for your survival. In order to stay alive, fed, sheltered and safe you had no choice but to be in a relationship with an adult. How your caregiver responded to your emotional, physical and safety needs in early life created a template for how you understand relationships going forward.

When you’re vulnerable, you revert back to ways of being that you learned kept those early relationships alive. This is your primary attachment style.

Attachment Styles have become quite popular in the self-help arena and on social media. As they’ve moved into focus, particularly on social media somethings have been lost and some myths have developed.

Types of Attachment style:

There are two basic types of attachment, Secure attachment and Insecure attachment.

Insecure attachment is broken down further into:

-Anxious Attachment – where there is a need for regular reassurance that they are loved, but a difficulty in believing it.

- Avoidant Attachment – is someone who pushes people back, they lean out of relationships for care or connection.

- Disorganised Attachment – This develops in response to abuse and/or Trauma, you desperately want care, connection and safety because outside of that things are scary or painful. When there is a sense that the relationship isn’t safe for any reason, you push and fight like your life depends on it. You may have been diagnosed with a personality disorder such as EUPD.

Secure attachment

When care givers are consistent, attuned, empathic, safe and give space for the baby or child to experience safe levels of struggle and discomfort, this makes way for a secure attachment to form.

The baby learns that even when things are hard, there will be someone there to help. That relationships aren’t fragile and can survive damage, through this they also learn that even at their worst they are valued and loveable and they can also survive difficulty and damage. This makes way for healthy relationships, boundaries, self-esteem and self-respect. Relational skills like repair after damage, empathy, conflict management, boundaries are learned and used without an impact to the persons sense of self, which is robust and secure.

Caregivers and Attachment style

These are the types of care giver behaviours that can create the different types of attachment styles.

Avoidant Attachment – is learned from an unresponsive care giver. They are consistently not attuned to your needs, feelings or safety. They are dismissive of your needs and feelings and do not know how to sooth you. You learn that help isn’t available in relationships so you learn to rely on yourself.

Anxious Attachment – Your care giver is inconsistent, sometimes they provide deep care and empathy, meeting your needs with ease and able to connect with you. Other times, they respond harshly, critically and dismissively perhaps in ways that can be scary or punishing. You learn love is inconsistent and balance seeking reassurance and fearing punishment.

Disorganised Attachment– your primary care giver is abusive, they hurt you, scare you and although they are you’re greatest threat, they are also your only chance for survival. You learn that love is abusive.

 

Attachment styles in relationships
Here’s how you might feel and behave in relationships depending on your primary attachment style. This may not be consistently how you are, but will likely be what you revert back to at times of stress or vulnerability.

Anxious attachment – You seek lots of reassurance from your partner that they love you, but you struggle to believe them. You worry about them leaving or cheating because secretly you don’t trust that you deserve their care. When your partner doesn’t reassure you, you push them away. You might give them the silent treatment, get critical and blaming or find ways to punish them.

Avoidant Attachment – you keep people at a safe distance, you don’t rely on people for help. You’re independent and never ask for help, it would take more effort to explain what you need than just doing it yourself. But you feel dissatisfied, like you’re always giving more than you get. You feel lonely and you’re ready to jump ship as soon as things get serious or tough.

Disorganised Attachment – You’re desperate to feel safe, loved connected, you’re like a puppy and would do absolutely anything for someone you love. But, you have zero tolerance for anything that feels like disrespect or an insult or lack of care or things are going well for too long and suddenly you push them away as hard as you can. You might get violent, verbally aggressive, hurt yourself or destroy property. Relationships feel dangerous even when they feel safe and you might be described as chaotic.

How counselling can help

Just because you learned to attach one way in early life, doesn’t mean it’s the only way to do things. In counselling I can help you on your own or with your partner to get to know your attachment style, to understand and grow compassion for that part of you that learned this is the way to survive.

Often this includes moving through grief for what you didn’t have and what you wish you had been given. Through our relationship you get to experience the safety you didn’t get back then, I’ll be your consistent care giver that holds space for you and meets your emotional needs. We call this a secure base, which over time you will imbed in the way you feel about yourself and eventually you won’t need me to offer it any more, because you’ll be able to give it to yourself.

Please note: This post is based on the work of attachment theorist John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth and my personal experience of using Attachment theory as a couples and relationship counsellor