How rambling can dissolve the shame of disallowed emotions

Over the years I have heard many clients in session say “I feel like I’m rambling.”

My response is almost always “What is it that’s feeling like rambling?”

The responses are varied, but at one time or another we almost always hit a point where you say something like, “talking about my feelings wasn’t something I was allowed to do growing up.”

What disallowed emotions sound like

Growing up lots of us were shut down when we tried to express a concern, make a bid for connection, care or clarity. Maybe you heard phrases like this:

• “People are starving in Africa”
• “What are you complaining about, there are people dying of cancer”
• “You don’t now how lucky you’ve got it.”
• “Stop being you’re dramatic”
• “Suck it up, there are worse thing in life.”

You’re so very far from alone if any of these, or phrases similar are feeling like a familiar call from the past.

Where disallowed emotions go

When we’re not allowed to express emotions and when we don’t receive care in response to stressors, we can’t complete the emotional process and it gets stuck.

Like a clock that ran out of battery, time freezes and stays frozen until someone or something comes along to start the process up again.

When this happens repeatedly, we learn those parts of ourselves aren’t safe to show and they become sources of shame or guilt.

Defining guilt and shame

I love to use Brene Brown’s definitions of shame and guilt which is

Shame means “I am bad”
Guilt means “I did something bad”

Shame says “this is evidence you’re a bad person!” It keeps parts of us locked away and limits our ability to show up authentically or connect deeply. We learn adaptive strategies like comfort eating, perfectionism or people pleasing to keep those parts hidden.

Guilt is the feeling that you have done something wrong, it’s a feeling that invites us to make changes. But when we feel guilty about who we are, we try to change who we are often by shaming ourselves. This repeats the cycle of shutting down those parts just like in childhood. To move on from here, we need to find acceptance and compassion for those parts that have been rejected for so long.

Rambling your way out of shame

In counselling you’re invited to talk about the things that you usually hide, when you feel safe to do so.
These might be the things that leave you feeling:

• Resentful
• Unappreciated
• Punished
• Sad
• Rejected
• Not good enough
• Angry
• Disappointed
• Ashamed

You get to say them in a space that is safe, accepting and compassionate to those hidden parts.

Feelings aren’t failures on your part, you’re not selfish, arrogant or bad for having feelings. When you give them space, you learn to read the clues they offer and this makes space for change to happen.

Rambling with me

When you talk in sessions with me, I don’t hear a ramble. I hear you painting a picture of your life and your experiences. I’ll help you to identify what’s behind those feelings and how to read the messages they’re sending. With this new awareness we can start to identify where and how you can make changes to feel respected, valued and connected.

If you’d like help to turn rambling into progress I’d love to help, send me a message using my contact form or book an appointment with my online calendar.