AI is a powerful and fast growing tool that is available to everyone for free 24/7. There are various models for various purposes. But AI chats are not designed to offer therapy and in those moments of frustration when you reach out to AI are you getting help that you’re seeking?
The Benefits of AI
AI is validating, it justifies your feelings by validating your experience. It’s available 24/7 at the click of a button and it won’t tell you to go away because its tired, angry or done with communicating today. It’s there whenever you need to reach out for emotional support and there are very few of us who have human counterparts that match this level of availability or confirmation. Its natural to lean into something like this when you’re struggling and needing support.
The Risk of AI
AI chats aren’t designed to be therapists. They have access to theoretical ideas, philosophies and research, but it has a limited ability to apply these specifically to you. AI chats often rely on generalised ideas and information about people like you to offer what it think you need or want to hear.
It uses language to intentionally try to invite attachment with sameness statements such as “as humans we …” to normalise your experience and give the illusion of camaraderie. The trouble with this is that it can reinforce unhealthy relationship patterns, beliefs and cause greater damage to your relationship.
It can give you an award winning argument for sure, but it can do the same for your partner. The healthiest relationships don’t fight like lawyers in court, they work together on resolving the problem.
What do healthy relationships need?
Healthy relationships need to hold both parties accountable for their impact on each other. A relationship is made of three pieces: you, me and us. When we stay focused on protecting, justifying or empowering only one of these pieces we cause damage to the others.
An argument shouldn’t be “you hurt me because.” And “well you hurt me because.” An argument should be, “I’m hurt and i’d like us to resolve this together.” And “I don’t want you to hurt because you’re important to me, i’d like to figure it out together too.”
AI and Conflict
AI can offer suggestions for bringing you both closer but if you dismiss that as something you aren’t ready for or don’t think is reasonable, its unlikely to explore this deeper with you, it may just agree with you.
Imagine two people are arguing about whether or not their child should go to a party. One parent (A) thinks they should go, because its important to celebrate with friends. The other parent (B) doesn’t think they should go because they’ve heard the class bully has been invited and are concerned their child could be hurt.
Each parent turns to AI chat to express themselves somewhere they’ll feel understood and heard. In the process they get justification for their views and AI chat has built an award winning argument for why they are right and their partner is wrong.
How do you imagine the next conversation about the party might go now they’re both armed with reinforced views and justifications for them?
My best guess is that it will be harder to see the other person’s perspective and the whole thing will escalate further. This isn’t anyone’s fault, it’s the result of reinforcing a single view in conflict.
How therapy is different
In relationship therapy we don’t seek to crown a winner, it isn’t about who’s right and who’s wrong. In the beautifully wise words of famous relationship and sex therapist Esther Perel, “you can be right, or you can have a relationship, but you can’t have both.”
If your primary need is to be right, you’re no longer in a relationship because a relationship is about two people and made of three parts: You, Me, Us.
If only You exists there is no space for Me or Us, if only Me exists, there is no space for You or Us. When we can both matter, we can nurture us into a loving, strong and healthy relationship that can withstand anything.
Next time you reach for AI to help, take a second to consider whether you want to be right or in a relationship. Its ok to reach out for emotional support when you need it, but do so with caution and awareness of the risks so you can stay safe and connected.
If you’d like support to navigate conflict with your partner and make communicating feel safe again get in touch to book a free no strings call to discuss how I can help.