Have you ever experienced your partner shutting down when you express dissatisfaction or during conflict? Shutting down, also known as stonewalling is when a person disconnects from the moment and the other person.

This can feel distressing, rejecting or infuriating to receive, but what’s happening and can you help to break the pattern?

What stonewalling looks like

Stonewalling is a self-protective behaviour that is often learned through repeated experiences that no other action led back to safety. It looks like

• Physically looking or turning away
• Stopping talking
• Being very still and not responding
• Walking away without saying anything

There are plenty of things that can lead to this, conflict, feelings of failure, anxiety or shame. For the other partner it can feel unnerving, because they have disconnected and when relationships experience disconnection they can become unstable.

The Gottman Institute found that stonewalling is one of the highest risks factors leading to divorce or separation.

Understanding Shutdown

People often shutdown when they feel criticised or like nothing they do will make things better. Sometimes in relationships with stonewalling, we find the other partner might be critical or judgemental in the language they use.  Other times it’s the person’s internal voice that is critical and judging them harshly and when you say, “I’m struggling” they hear “you’re failing.”

This leads to shame, shutdown and a sense of failure. When one person shuts down often the other person escalates, because they’re trying harder to reach the person. This can reinforce the need for stonewalling, so where do we go from here?

Creating Safety

Stonewalling is a defensive behaviour, it means that the person is feeling threatened or unsafe in some way. It’s the human equivalent of a snail hiding in its shell. To invite them back into connection, we need to create safety. This takes time, repetition and care. Small regular things you can do are:

• When you notice your partner shutting down, suggest a break and come back later when you’re both feeling calm.
• Speak using first person language “I feel/think/need” to remove criticism or judgement
• Book tough talks so they don’t come out of the blue.

How counselling can help

Often people come to counselling in crisis and when they’re at the point of contemplating walking away. If this is you and you’re the partner being stonewalled, the request to create safety and care for your partner might have a sting of resentment.

Relationships that have gotten to this point can have eroded trust, resentment and the journey back to each other can take time.

Creating safety in relationships isn’t the same as in the physical world, you can’t just throw bubble wrap down and crack on. It takes small gentle moments, clear and consistent boundaries.

Counselling helps you to breathe safety back into the relationship in small consistent ways. It gives both of you space to be heard, validated and held with compassion and we find a pace that invites both of you back into a trusting, safe and connected relationship.