Growing up most of us were told anger is a bad thing, it hurts people, causes damage and should be avoided at all costs. As a child you might have seen grown ups get angry, lose control, behave in scary ways or say hurtful things. But what if I told you these damaging or scary things aren’t anger?

Anger might be the driving force, but what has caused the damage is people’s behaviour. Anger is a feeling that’s inside us, what we do to release it isn’t anger’s fault, it’s a limitation in our resources and there are plenty of healthy ways to let angry feelings out without damaging relationships.

How Anger Works

Have you ever said or thought the phrase “You’re getting on my nerves” maybe as you’ve felt your body tense, fists tighten, and a heat begin to radiate through your body? Well you’re right on the money! Our body reads our environment and sends messages to our brain about whether we’re safe or not. The part of our body that’s responsible for this is our nervous system aka our nerves.

When our nervous system interprets something as a possible threat, the alarm bells in our brain start ringing and our body prepares to protect us. At this point different defence systems can fire for different people. One person might turn into a honey badger and fight, another might be a possum and play dead until the threat passes. These are just two of many different ways people respond to a sense of threat. There is no single ‘right’ way to respond and one isn’t superior to the other.

Unexpected Anger Triggers

Anger’s job is to keep us safe, like a bodyguard its got a contract about when to step in, but sometimes the contract needs updating. What might have been dangerous in the past, may not be a threat now, but anger still has the contract for that job.

A threat isn’t just something that could cause physical harm, if in the past you’ve been emotionally hurt, maybe rejected or abandoned at a time you needed help, feeling helpless could become quite scary. Anger steps in to protect you from being or feeling powerless again, after all when you’re body is fuelled and ready to fight that can be a very powerful feeling.

Here are some things that might trigger anger in different people:

• A boundary or need being disrespected or broken
• Your relationship being at risk – fear of abandonment or rejection
• Feeling Judged or criticised
• Giving more than we want to
• Feeling or being physically threatened
• Injustice
• Unmet physical needs (hunger, rest, thirst, sensory overload)
• Feeling invalidated or dismissed
• Lots of little irritating things being pushed down until they erupt
• Similarities to difficult past experiences.
• Making a mistake

This is not a complete list and not everyone will respond the same way to these, its important to figure out your triggers.

Creating Space For Change

Often anger can feel like a lightning strike, instant, out of control and maybe even scary - but anger isn’t instant, it grows and has stages. The challenge of working with anger is, the part of our brain which makes rational decisions switches off so our body can take over. This means that we can’t rationalise with someone who is angry and we can’t rationalise when we’re angry, So we need to slow things down and get to know the stages we go through before this point.

Our bodies are amazing; they take a split second to make complex decisions and react. Our conscious mind takes a little longer, but its strength is weighing up the pros and cons before reacting. We need both these skills at different times, but sometimes the wrong one takes the lead.

When you’re about to be squashed by a bus you don’t want to waste time contemplating how fast the bus is going and the width of the road to make an informed decision, you need your body to take over and react.

If the threat is your angry partner because you forgot to put the laundry away again, rational reflection is needed. If in moments like this your body tends to take over, you might get defensive, justify your actions, blame them or throw something and storm off. You’re not alone in this, but its probably not going to end with a nice cup of tea and a biscuit while you discuss plans for the weekend.

Your lovely rational brain can help you empathise with them and acknowledge you have let them down, and they have every right to be a bit miffed. This isn’t a threat to you or your relationship and the best course of action is probably to apologise, so you can both move on (maybe even have that biscuit and chat).

What To Do With Anger

In counselling for anger we help you slow things down and create space between the trigger and your response. To do this, you need to get to know what anger feels like in your body, identify automatic thoughts that connect to an anger response and also notice the types of things that get you riled up.

Slowly you’ll find you’re able to notice anger before your mind goes offline and your body takes over. This creates a window of opportunity, to make a choice about how you respond before acting.

Using The Window

Once your window of choice has grown, often people find they don’t really know what to do with it. This is the point that you can learn and try new ways of responding, this might be things like:

• Breathing exercises - To calm your nervous system and keep your rational brain online so you can respond healthily.
• Movement – Anger is an energy that loves movement, going for a walk or a run can help defuse it, instead of just pushing it down and coming out when you don’t want it to.
• Communication Skills – learning how to express emotions verbally can be like learning a new language, but when we can express ourselves we don’t feel as powerless when the threat is another person’s opinion or possible rejection of us.
• Self-Compassion – Speaking to yourself kindly, validating your experience can make a world of difference about how scary things like potential damage to your relationships feel. This is because instead of relying on someone else’s opinion or view of you, you hold a positive view of yourself that is much stronger.

When to get help

Many, many people feel ashamed about their anger, if you’re one of them please know there is nothing wrong with you and you aren’t a bad person. If you have done things you regret in anger, this is evidence that you are good, or you wouldn’t feel regret. Remember the damage isn’t done by anger, its done when we don’t have the resources to express anger in healthy ways, but these can be learnt and you can make changes.

Counselling whether individually or couples counselling with your partner can help you with anger management. If you’re not ready just yet, that’s ok too I hope you find some ways to help in this article. There are lots of other online resources too including Mind.co.uk who have a range of resources on understanding anger. The NHS have free accessible talking therapies and group therapies and of course there is always private counselling if you’d like autonomy over your therapy. There are also great resources on The Gottman Institute website for conflict in relationships.

Wherever you are in your journey, remember every step forward deserves celebrating and every step backwards is a lesson to take you forward.