Am I in a co-dependent relationship?

 

What is co-dependence?

Co-dependence is one of those words that gets banded around, but what does it really mean and how you can tell if co-dependence is happening in your relationship?

Co-dependence is used to describe a relationship usually between two people where they have become heavily reliant on one another. Often this looks like one person needing to be cared for in ways that can feel limiting or damaging.

Where co-dependence starts

Co-dependence is often learned from a young age usually in relationship to a key adult in your life. It is the learning that in order to maintain this important relationship, you have to meet the adult’s needs. This might look like being very helpful or make the adult feel valuable by allowing yourself to be cared for.

Both these survival strategies mean you didn’t have the safe, holding environment needed to develop a sense of self as an individual. Your survival was reliant on meeting the needs of someone else, not learning about your own.

This isn’t a form of abuse or conscious manipulation it’s a relationships survival strategy that at some point kept you safe, but it’s no longer the right tool for the job.

Signs you’re co-dependent

Co-dependence is rooted in not having the right environment to develop your own sense of self and that can show up like:

• Feeling responsible for other people’s feelings or problems
• Struggling to say “no” or set boundaries without guilt
• A deep fear of rejection, abandonment, or disappointing others
• Finding it hard to know what you really want or need
• Deriving your sense of worth from being needed, helpful, or indispensable
• Difficulty trusting that you can be loved for who you are, not just what you do for others
• Anxiety or emptiness when you’re not in a relationship

 

Healing from co-dependence

So now we know what it looks like and why it happens, what do we do about it?

There is no quick fix, but there is absolutely a way forward that is healthy and with the right support you can get there. It can be easy to assume that healing from co-dependence is to do the polar opposite. You might want to drop all your responsibilities and tell everyone they can fend for themselves. You might think you need to reject any and all forms of care and become fiercely independent. This is just creating new problems, healthy relationships mean you can be cared for and care for others without neglecting yourself.

Creating Lasting Change

Sustainable change happens slowly, with care and compassion. Here are some gentle first steps to begin to explore:

• Self-awareness : Start developing curiosity and compassion for your patterns, notice when your drawn into people pleasing or care taking. You can record this in journals or explore it in counselling.
• Boundaries: Are the power to say no or yes in order to protect your own wellbeing.
• Connect to yourself: Start exploring what brings you joy, rest and comfort that is separate from other people expectations.
• Self-Compassion: Being kind to yourself when you’re trying something new. Replacing “you don’t deserve” with “I am worthy of”
• Allow care in: Giving yourself permission to put down the responsibility and let in the care.

Couples Counselling for Co-dependence

If that list makes your stomach turn up at the idea of saying something kind to yourself or guilt at the thought of saying no to someone, you’re not alone. There are so many people out there who feel exactly the same as you, but it doesn’t have to stay that way. You can be someone who gets to be cared for, who gets to say no today I need to matter and who talks to themselves with kindness in stead of criticism or cruelty.

Counselling can you help you to:

• Set boundaries without guilt
• Give yourself compassion instead of judgement
• Care for others without breaking yourself
• Move away from resentment and back to respect and connection
• Understand and heal from old patterns
• Reconnect to your own feelings, needs, values and desires
• Create the space for authentic reciprocal connections
• Make you the lead character in your own story

The key points

Co-dependence isn’t abuse, control or a decision, it’s a survival strategy that has outlived its purpose. You’re not alone or broken, so many people struggle with co-dependence and it’s possible to heal and grow from it. With the right support and a readiness for change, you can move towards healthy, fulfilling and loving relationships where care is reciprocal not required. If you’d like to reach out for support on your own through individual counselling or for couples counselling, I’d love to hear from you. We can either book your first session, or we can arrange a short call to talk about how I can help. What ever you choose to do, I hope you’ve found something helpful to take away from reading this.