Do boundaries hurt relationships?

I often hear clients say things like, ‘Boundaries just push people away,’ or ‘They don’t work, no one listens to me anyway’

If this has been your experience you’re not alone. Boundaries are something that many people struggle with, there is a lot of misunderstandings about what a boundary is and how to use them. In this post I hope to clarify things for you and give you real tools to take away too.

What is a boundary not?

A boundary isn’t about controlling others behaviour or choices. When we try to control other people’s behaviour, we actually give away our own power and control. When someone does what you ask it doesn’t mean you have control over them, it means they’ve chosen to do what you’ve asked.

What is a boundary?

A boundary tells someone else what you will and won’t tolerate and what you’ll do to protect your boundary if its ignored. Instead of controlling someone else’s behaviour, boundaries protect your safety, needs, energy and wellbeing.

Often we think of a boundary as making something stop, but its also about consenting to something too. Boundaries in their simplest terms come down to “yes I’d like more of this” and “no I don’t want to engage in this, I want it to stop.”

How are Boundaries expressed?

Boundaries aren’t always verbal, particularly when we’re newly becoming boundaried. Voicing a boundary can be incredibly challenging and it might take time to build the confidence to use your voice, but this doesn’t mean you can’t express a boundary.

Other ways boundaries are expressed might be:

• Body language – looking or turning away or turning towards, making eye contact
• Facial expressions – a furrowed brow might signal a “no,” while a smile says “yes”
• Text – We can communicate a boundary through a text, letter or message
• Movement – We might move towards something or someone when we want something or walk away to show we don’t.

Types of boundaries

There are 3 different types of boundaries:

• Rigid – these are immoveable and unchangeable.
• Soft – These bend and change in response to others
• Flexible – These can move between soft and rigid adapting to the moment.

Flexible boundaries can become easily confused with soft boundaries, but there is one core difference. A soft boundary is one that gets swept away or changed in response to another person’s needs or reactions. A flexible boundary is one that continues to protect us but can adapt to the moment.

Boundaries in Action – An Example

Lets say a friend is moving house and has asked you to help, you have a bad back and heavy lifting will cause you pain or injury.

Rigid Boundary: No I don’t help people move house, I have a bad back.

Soft Boundary: Yes, of course!

Flexible: I have a bad back, but I could help for an hour with light things and maybe help with some light unpacking if I can too. Would be useful?

Reviewing boundary types

The rigid boundary holder has created a rule that they apply to everything, with no room for compromise or discussion.

The soft boundary is trying to please the other person and not considering their needs or safety.

The flexible boundary is offering the support that is safe for them, their friend can choose to accept this or decline the offer. Flexible boundaries can protect you while also respecting others.

How Boundaries make relationships stronger

When you look at the example above, which one of these people do you want to be friends with? The person who won’t compromise, the person who is willing to hurt themselves to please you or the person who is open and transparent about their limitations and their care?

Boundaries make relationships safe, they take away the guessing games and let everyone maintain respect and responsibility for themselves and others. This creates safety, which creates the right environment for emotional connections too.

How counselling can help you set healthy boundaries

If you are filled with guilt, anxiety or confusion when you think about setting a boundary you’re not alone, most of us know what this feels like. If you’d like help to understand why you feel this way and how to gain the confidence and self-esteem to set and hold healthy boundaries, counselling can help you do just that.

Couples counselling for healthy boundaries

If you or your partner feel like you never know what the other person is thinking or needs, you might find that a space has started to grow between you. Maybe resentment has built from giving too much of yourself or not receiving enough. Couples counselling can help you understand how setting and holding healthy boundaries with each other can create the space for emotional intimacy and trust to grow.

Disclaimer

Remember counselling doesn’t take away your humanity and sometimes setting boundaries won’t go to plan. Remember to be kind to yourself when things don’t go the way you wanted. Shame and blame never improves anything, but care and compassion help us grow.

If you’d like support to build healthier boundaries you’re welcome to get in touch and book a free call (no strings attached) or book a session.

Wherever you are in your readiness, I hope you’ve found something useful from reading this to take with you.

Warmly

Kate