Shame Cuts Both Ways After Betrayal
When we betray anyone, whether it’s ourselves or someone else, we can be left with deep feelings of shame. This can make moving on, accountability and making amends painful and even lead us to make choices that continue to inflict pain when what we really want is to make it better.
When we do something that betrays our partner or someone we love, repairing the damage can feel impossible.
So how do we move forward, how can we ask for and accept forgiveness and how do we repair what has been damaged?
How We Cope When We've Betrayed Someone We Love
When we take actions that result in betrayal it can be hard to process. Its easy to assume that the betraying person was rewarded or gained pleasure from their actions. Maybe in some ways that’s true, but often it comes with an even greater toll, shame, guilt, fear of reprisal, this can show up as:
- Feeling ashamed
- Beating yourself up “I’m such a bad person/I’m weak/a failure, how could possibly forgive me let alone love me now.”
- Placing blame outside yourself, onto circumstance, other people
- Justify your actions “You don’t have sex with me enough so I had no choice but to get it somewhere else.”
- Denying it happened at all (gaslighting) “You’re crazy, that never happened, its all in your head!
- Minimise it “it was only sex” or “I didn’t think you cared enough to be hurt by this.”
These are often behaviours that come from a place of shame, the belief that “I am bad” and the choices you’ve made are evidence of this. Shame gets in the way of accountability, empathising with your partner and prevents you from being able to repair the damage with your partner.
From Shame to Guilt: A Necessary Shift
Moving from shame to guilt might not sound like a better option, but guilt isn’t all consuming it doesn’t attack our worth like shame. Guilt is far more tolerable and allows us to move from “I am bad” to “I did something bad.”
When we can separate who we are from what we’ve done we can hold two truths that will give us the strength to do what’s needed to repair the wrong.
Sometimes good people do a bad thing, we call these mistakes and everyone makes them.
The language we use matters greatly in making this shift. Language like “I am a cheater” is blaming, shaming, critical and shuts us down to connection and repair, but “I am a good person that had an affair” hits very differently.
For partners who have been betrayed using noncritical language can feel like permissiveness, if that’s how it feels for you this is a sign that you still need space to grieve the relationship and version of your partner you lost. Healing takes time and its ok to take yours.
The Three A’s of Healing Betrayal
In my experience there are three core needs in repairing from betrayal, they are:
Accountability: take responsibility for your own actions and choices, own that this was your choice and your actions without shame or self-pity or excuses.
Acknowledgement: with compassion, validation and empathy witness your partner’s pain. When you acknowledge the impact of your choices and the consequences that your partner now carries, you create the space for trust to begin to rebuild.
Atonement: processing and expressing your remorse, letting go of self-pity, denial or other barriers in order to bear witness to and hold your partner in their pain and their grief. It takes courage, vulnerability and strength to be willing to do these things, these actions are a testament of love, commitment and although they are genuinely hard to do they are the foundation of repair.
The Hidden Shame of Being Betrayed
There must also be a witnessing of the person who has been betrayed’s experience. Because they are the one who often lives with the consequences of the betrayal, they experience their own shame. “How could I have been so blind?” and “the signs were obvious, how did I miss them?”
They are left with questions about their worth, how little does this person I’ve trusted care about me that they could do this to me. Anger, rage and grief are common feelings that a person who has been betrayed need space and care to move through.
The person who caused the betrayal is responsible for holding this space for their partner, which requires significant strength, courage, empathy and compassion.
Can Couples Counselling Help After Betrayal?
Repair from betrayal is complicated, it’s layered and painful, but its not impossible.
If you’re reading this and are feeling like you want to find a way through whatever has happened, but don’t know where to start, you’re welcome to get in touch. I’m happy to help you with a short call to help you figure out your starting point, or to explore whether you’d like to start couples counselling together.
Where to Start When You Don't Know How to Move Forward
Having someone else guide the conversations, hold you both with safety and compassion and without blame or criticism can be a profound experience and help the conversations you have about the betrayal be productive and healing.
If you’d like support with betrayal, whether on your own or with a loved one, you can read more about how I work here or reach out to book a free 30 minute call (no strings attached) to discuss how I can help.
Wherever you are in your experience and journey, I hope you found something useful here today.