Feeling unappreciated in your relationship
You do so much, work so hard and yet it never seems to be enough. Feeling unappreciated in your relationship can feel like a small problem, but it can quickly become a big one.
Maybe there’s resentment in your relationship, maybe you’ve been getting snappy or maybe you’ve found yourself withdrawing and keeping out of the way.
When one or both people in the relationship feel unappreciated, it chips away at the relationship leaving you both feeling disconnected and hurt. it
Why "thank you" sometimes isn't enough
Many of us might say “thanks” or something similar and maybe it feels like that should be enough for our partner. But sometimes we all need to hear a little more about how our actions have mattered and what the thanks is really for.
This can be a cause for conflict in many relationships, often I’ve heard “you don’t appreciate anything I do” or “nothing I do is ever enough” or “you wouldn’t even notice if I disappeared.” Not feeling noticed or valued is such a painful and confusing feeling, we all want to feel valued by our partner, making them happy feels good.
How to help your partner feel valued
Here’s an activity with a script that you can try, that might help:
Gratitude script:
Before you begin, turn facing your partner so that your stomachs are facing each other. Only if it’s comfortable to do so, you can also make eye contact and be in physical contact – e.g. knees/feet touching or holding hands.
Speaker: Thank you for ______________ and ___________, when you do those things I feel_________.
Listener: Thank you for appreciating when I ___________and _________. It’s helpful to know those are things that make you feel__________.
After you might want to say “I love you” or ask for a hug, you might want to giggle and it might feel awkward. Sometimes if it’s too soon, you might feel irritated or resentful, all these reactions are normal and helpful for us to work with. Even when it doesn’t go to plan, it’s a great source of information.
When gratitude doesn't land
If you’ve tried the exercise, but you or your partner still don’t feel valued or it felt off, that’s usually a sign there’s something deeper going on. It might be something that grew in the relationship, or it could be something that predates it.
Sometimes no matter how hard you try, “thank you” doesn’t go in. this could be for lots of different reasons such as:
- Trust is too damaged and needs to be supported first
- Low self-esteem can make believing compliments and accepting gratitude really hard or even impossible
- The connection between you is missing, the words feel empty or forced
- There’s too much resentment built up to let the kindness in yet
Sometimes these can be a sign that you might want to consider couples counselling to help you understand and overcome the additional hurdles, that are getting in the way.
Could couples therapy help?
If you’ve identified there are extra hurdles, couples therapy can help as you have a third person support you to find the right words, stay calm and identify the deeper issues in your relationship. If this is something you’d like to explore as an option you’re welcome to book a free call, or drop me an email for more details.
If you’re the one that’s been feeling invisible or underappreciated, I hope this has helped you feel a little less alone and offered some hope that things can get better.