Is asking for help a failure?
It can be daunting reaching out for support. Lots of us have been conditioned to think of needing help as being the same thing as failure, but this couldn’t be further from the truth.
It takes courage, vulnerability and strength to reach out for help when it’s needed. Staying stuck can be unbearable but somehow the comfort of it’s familiarity feels more welcome than the fear of the unknown. Change comes with uncertainty, risk and that’s not always an easy place to put ourselves.
The Thoughts That Nearly Stopped Me Reaching Out Too
When I first started considering having counselling there were questions and thoughts that ran through my head, that ultimately stopped me reaching out. I spent a long time feeling stuck, trapped and like I didn’t deserve support.
The same questions I’ve heard echoed by my clients over the years too and if I could go back in time I wish I’d have known I wasn’t alone. For this reason I thought it might be helpful for anyone who is feeling stuck or unsure, to read the common thoughts I hear and have thought. You might find that they feel familiar to you too
Common Thoughts That Stop People Starting Counselling:
- There are people worse off than me, I shouldn’t be wasting a counsellor’s time.
- They probably won’t get it anyway.
- I don’t even understand what’s wrong with me, how are they supposed to help?
- It hasn’t gotten bad enough to bother anyone else yet
- I haven’t tried hard enough to deserve help yet
- A counsellor will hate me too
- What if they think I’m just not trying hard enough?
- What if I don’t know what to say when I get there?
- What if it’s all in my head and I’m making something out of nothing
Am I Bad Enough to Need Counselling?
Everyone who comes to counselling is unique, each of you arrives with an individual story that doesn’t match anyone else’s perfectly. You come with different strengths and struggles. Different tolerance levels for different things, but always with a feeling that there is more to life than what you’ve got right now.
You’re right, I have heard many stories of grief, trauma, self-loathing and more, but I have never rated clients struggles against someone else’s. I’ve never thought anyone needed to suffer more than they already have, to have earned or deserve my time and attention. My role is to help alleviate suffering, not prescribe it.
You Don't Have to Earn Support
For every client I meet I hold two beliefs in mind:
1 – I know you are doing the best you can with the skills, knowledge and power you have available to you right now.
2 – If it’s important to you, affecting you in anyway, shape or form, it matters.
There is nothing you could say that would make me think you don’t deserve support, because I believe everyone deserves support when they need it. Having said that I don’t have the right skills to support everyone well and there are times that I suggest they’d be better supported by someone else. This is an act of care, not a rejection.
You don’t have to earn my help or care by suffering ‘enough’, you don’t even have to be suffering to come to counselling. You can come simply wanting to work on getting to know yourself better. Pain isn’t the only reason for coming to counselling.
Do counsellors judge their clients?
I often hear people push kindness away with statements like, “you’re just saying that because you’re a counsellor.” In my experience this is often a well-practiced defence and to you I ask “What do you feel you’re risking by accepting what has been said as true?”
Not everyone is suitable for counselling and not everybody is ready, but everyone is welcome and you’ll never be considered, not enough.
Your First Step Doesn't Have to Be a Big One
If you’ve been thinking about having some sessions, but aren’t quite ready to take the next step you don’t have to jump straight in. I offer a short free phone call to give you a chance to ask some questions and see how you feel just talking to someone.
You can even start smaller by just sending an email that says hello and you’re not sure if counselling is for you.
If that feels too big, why not just come back and visit my site from time to time and see if anything lands differently.
Wherever you are in your journey, I hope you found something useful here today.