Why couples get stuck fighting about details
So many couples who are stuck in conflict get stuck fighting over the details of an event and not why it mattered to them. They fight about who said what, when, where. Sometimes even down to minute details like the colour of someone’s top.
This often tells me that one or both people in the relationship struggle with seeing value in or understanding their partner’s perspective alongside their own. When we can’t make space for two experiences, an alternative perspective can feel like a threat, rather than a difference.
Your partner’s experience doesn’t invalidate your own
When couples are fighting for one version of events, I always come back to the example of the earth and the sun:
The earth looks up into the atmosphere and every day it watches as the sun rises in the east and set in the west.
The sun watches as the earth rotates on its axis and wanders around the sun.
The earth sees the sun moving and the sun sees the earth moving. When they both express that the other is moving, no one is lying, wrong or stupid, they are just experiencing the same moment differently.
There are so many examples of this phenomenon that happens between beings. It’s also the case in how we view the value, purpose or meaning of things. These differences need to be able to survive together with equal value for a relationship to feel healthy and fulfilling.
How do we stop fighting?
You might be wondering why this matters and there are lots of different reasons, but first and foremost:
Everyone needs to feel we matter, that our experiences, feelings and needs are valid, acknowledged and important. Not having this can feel destabilising and lead to conflict, resentment, shame and more.
I see so many couples vying for whose version of events are right, defending their own experience and often denying or invalidating their partners. This is almost never done out of spite and almost always out of self-defence. It’s also often the cause of continued conflict.
Arguing over the colour of someone’s shirt or being right about it, isn’t going to change how you felt in the moment or how you feel during that fight. What you’re left with will matter though.
The moments where you get caught up fighting about the details, you miss the important stuff. In therapy we stop trying to figure out whether the sun or the earth’s experience is more or less valid. Instead we work to understand why that detail is important and what is going on underneath it.
How to build empathy with your partner
We call understanding the other person’s perspective “mindsight” it requires us to have a good understanding of our partner’s inner world. Their experiences, how their needs, boundaries, wishes and desires have been formed and how they make sense of the world. Once we understand this and see our partner’s vulnerability, its hard to stay angry at the person who is feeling vulnerable, stuck and doing their best even when its not going to plan. This is where compassion builds and it becomes easier to focus on resolving the problem instead of fighting about the problem itself.
Next time you’re having an argument, take a moment during or after when you’ve calmed down to think about whether you:
- Were fighting about the details of what happened
- Felt heard and understood
- Asked questions to get a deeper understanding of your partner’s experience
- Felt defensive – like you needed to defend yourself
These are clues that couples therapy could help you to get to the deeper issues behind what’s happening instead of staying stuck in the details.
Not ready for therapy? Try this instead
Sometimes people aren’t ready for therapy, or only one person is ready. That’s ok too, here is something to try next time you’re getting stuck in the details:
- Choose one person to go first, they’re the speaker, the other person is the listener.
- The speaker has to say in one or two sentences only, what was important about the event to them, how it made them feel.
- The listener has to repeat it back only using their partner’s words, then ask “did I get that right?”
- Repeat until the speaker feels that the listener has understood.
- Then if you’re feeling calm and able, swap roles.
Sometimes one round of this at a time is more than enough for one or both of you. Some rules to help you be successful.
- You’re learning something new, it’s ok to get it wrong or find it hard.
- If it gets too heated, take a break and try again when you feel calm.
- Give yourself a time limit, 10-15 minutes should be enough to at least get to grips with the process, even if you don’t get to the point of the speaker fully feeling like their listener gets it.
- Speak from “I”, examples: I felt, I saw, I experienced, I think – NOT “you” because “you” can feel blaming” and that will stop the listener from being able to listen.
I hope that you’ve found some reassurance that even though things might feel immovable right now, it doesn’t mean you have to stay that way. If it feels overwhelming to navigate on your own, you’re welcome to reach out for a free call to find out if I can help. No strings attached, just one small step on a longer journey.