Is it normal to feel like this after a betrayal?
Betrayal affects everyone differently, the type of betrayal, how many times it happens and who was involved all shape how we feel after a betrayal. Whatever you’re feeling isn’t wrong or bad, it’s valid and you deserve support to find a way forward that is right for you.
Betrayal can come in many shapes and sizes, it can be lots of tiny little moments of misattunement, forgotten requests or little comments that cut deep.
Betrayal can also be big life altering moments, an affair, abandonment or discovering someone you’ve trusted was lying about something foundational in your relationship.
What people often don’t realise is that betrayal can leave lasting effects of trauma and shake your entire world.
What is betrayal trauma?
Betrayal can result in effects of trauma, sometimes it can even lead to PTSD symptoms. Just to be clear, we can’t diagnose PTSD in a blog post and I’m not qualified to provide a professional diagnosis. I’m sharing a list of common symptoms of trauma that can also show up after a betrayal.
Betrayal trauma is when an event occurs that causes significant distress that causes ongoing effects which limit the way someone lives their life. Some examples might be:
- Intrusive unwanted thoughts or images of the event – real or imagined
- Ruminating on the details or questions about the event(s)
- Avoiding reminders of the betrayal e.g. places, people, activities
- Feeling on edge, anxious or like it’s about to happen again
If you recognise yourself here, it doesn’t mean you’ve been traumatized or that anything is wrong with you, these are all normal reactions to betrayal. But if they’re limiting how you live your life over an extended period of time, it could be beneficial to reach out for support. If you’d like to talk more about this feel free to get in touch here (link to be added).
Other common effects of betrayal
It’s not just trauma symptoms that can show up after betrayal, it can rewrite how we see ourselves, our personal value and all of our relationships. You might:
- Question the safety of all your relationships
- Feel unwanted or unlovable
- Feel responsible, like you’re the cause
- Be left with no or very little self-esteem at it
- Feel a range of emotions, anger, rage, resentment, fear, grief, sadness, overwhelm, shame, embarrassment just to name a few
Betrayal has a rippling effect, but ripples can fade and this doesn’t have to be your forever. You might feel some or all of the above. This isn’t dramatic or ridiculous, these are real, normal and valid responses to being betrayed and healing is possible.
How to heal from betrayal
Healing is hard when your whole world has been turned upside down, it draws a line in the sand of the life you had before and the life you had after. What it doesn’t do is change your worth and value, they have not changed. The actions of that person or those people do not define you, they define them. I know that can feel confusing and hard to believe, but you didn’t cause this and it’s not because you’re not worthy or good enough. Their actions were about them and what they wanted or needed.
Betrayal needs to be grieved and felt before it can be let go. Allow yourself time to feel the pain of it and let it go. You can do it alone, with a friend or in counselling, what matters is that you don’t push it down and push through.
Healing takes time and it’ll look different if you’re doing it in relationship with the person who hurt you, or alone.
When shame and blame keep you stuck
Shame and self-blame are common after betrayal, it offers the illusion of control because if you’re to blame, you can make sure it doesn’t happen again. But this never works, give the responsibility back to the person who’s actions caused you pain. Their actions weren’t because of you, they were because of them.
Often I hear “it must be about me, if I was good enough they wouldn’t have done it.” The truth is in those moments, it doesn’t matter how fantastic, amazing or perfect you are, they had a need that was going unmet and that is was what was driving them. This is a bigger topic to cover than I can do here, but if you’re interested in how needs and responsibility show up in relationships and betrayal feel free to read my blog post here
Choosing the right support
If you’ve tried figuring it out alone or tried talking to friends, but felt like they didn’t get it or think you should be over it, counselling might be a good option.
In counselling I can support you to rebuild your self-esteem and bring the experience back into perspective, because often it can stay feeling monumental even a long time after it happened. I can also help you to rebuild the trust that was lost, in yourself and your relationships which often gets eroded by betrayal and can feel incredibly hard to rebuild. If you’d like counselling support, feel free to get in touch here. to ask a question, check my availability for sessions or book a short free call.
Wherever you are in your healing, I hope you’ve found something useful to take away from this post.