Feeling stuck in the same relationship conflict
Sometimes in relationships we hit a wall when our needs, wishes and values don’t match our partner’s. It can feel hard, maybe even impossible to move forward when neither one of you feels able to budge. Maybe you’ve had the same argument a hundred times already but never feel like you’ve made any progress. It might have become a topic you both avoid, but that’s left you both feeling resentful or walking on eggshells.
So how do you get unstuck when neither one of you is willing to bend?
Finding the middle ground
Most people assume if you can’t go one way or the other, then you must have to find the middle, but when it comes to difference it’s not always as simple as splitting it down the middle. At different times one person may need to lean a little farther than the other.
I often ask clients what their negotiable and non-negotiables are, this helps us see where there is some wiggle room and where there is none. From here we can explore the value in each person’s position, why it’s important, what meaning it has to them. This in itself can create space for compassion for the other person’s experience, but also create a little extra wiggle room to find that balance that feels tolerable for all.
Understanding your negotiables and non-negotiables
One way to navigate this is to create a list, think about the problem and different ways that it can be resolved and then put those into the appropriate column e.g. A wants to go out with a group of friends their partner doesn’t trust, because when they go out at night they drink heavily and previously their partner had an affair while drunk with these friends.
| Non-negotiables | Negotiable |
| Not getting drunk
No kissing anyone else No taking anyone’s number No sex with anyone
|
Amount of alcoholic drinks
Time they’ll be home How they’ll get home The time of day they meet up |
The negotiables are the things you can discuss and the areas you can discuss who leans and how far. The non-negotiables are the things that need respect in order to maintain or rebuild trust.
Why respecting boundaries builds trust
When we respect our partner’s differences and needs, whether that’s for reassurance, cultural or more, we build trust and respect. When we dismiss or try to change them we damage trust and safety in the relationship.
As we gift our partner the repeated experience of respect, sometimes this in itself creates space for them to be able to lean a little farther towards you and your difference too. Managing differences in relationships, isn’t a single step process its one that is constantly evolving and changing as you and your relationship grow and change.
When to consider relationship therapy
When you’ve been stuck for a while, it can be really hard to open yourself up to trying to figure it out again. This is very normal and it’s a form of self-protection. If you’ve tried too many times to try again, maybe this is a sign that relationship therapy could help.
If you’d like to explore how I could help you get unstuck and find a new way forward together, you’re welcome to book a short free call, no strings attached to discuss if I can help.
I hope if you’re feeling stuck and worried about how to move forward you’ve found something to offer a little hope here today.