What to do when you and your partner want different things
Sometimes where there is difference in relationships, there is also judgment. When we are different to our partner, we might feel criticised, belittled or think that there is something wrong with us.
Being different isn’t a bad thing, in fact it can be an incredible gift to have our differences valued and accepted. For many of us, being accepted for all we are can offer significant healing, particularly where your differences have marginalise you in any way.
Difference in relationships
Difference shows up in all sorts of ways and places, this is just some of the ways difference can show up:
Gender Religion Sexuality
Age Culture Values
Likes Dislikes Fantasies
Kinks Neurotypes Ability
Music Parenting style Coping strategies
Just because we are different to our partner, doesn’t mean that we or they have more or less value. No one person is better or worse than anyone else’s (assuming no one/thing else is coming to nonconsensual harm). A healthy relationship needs to be able to create space to accept, value and balance any and all differences in a way that enables both of you to feel valued, supported and appreciated.
Feeling judged by your partner for being different
Sometimes, particularly where unconscious biases and systemic discrimination occurs, judgment can add an oppressive weight to navigating differences. It can pull on lived experience of being marginalised, dismissed or seen as being of less value. No one person no matter their differences has lesser value than anyone else.
A cat might see another animal’s poo on the floor and think, “Ew, gross! avoid that!”
A dung beetle sees a piece of animal poo on the floor and thinks, yum, I’ll take that home for later.
The dung beetle is going to think the cat is weird, if they don’t see the value in the dung. If they covered the world in poo trying to force its way of life on the cat, the cat will get ill, they won’t feel safe, comfortable or clean in their environment. If the cat takes all the dung away and tells the beetle what its doing is disgusting because it’s not the cat’s way, the beetle will starve and cannot survive.
No one way works for all living things and the same is true for people. Differences don’t mean anyone is wrong, broken or bad, its just two different beings with different needs, boundaries and expectations.
The difference between tolerance and acceptance
When we tolerate something, we might make space for it while resentment quietly builds. When we accept difference, we make space for it because we understand the meaning and value this has for the other person. Acceptance requires us to let go of the desire to change or stop something, not out of exhaustion, but because we have made peace with it.
While this is generally the goal, to understand make peace with and accept differences, there are some times that this may not be possible.
What if my partner’s difference goes against my values?
In the case of things like parenting styles, kinks, coping strategies, we can sometimes find ourselves in a situation where our partner’s needs/wishes go against our fundamental boundary.
This is a complex and nuanced issue and while I don’t feel able to offer appropriate information to navigate something of this complexity here, I do think its an important concern to acknowledge. Because when we push against our own values and morals in order to please someone else, we bear the weight of that cost.
If this is something that you’re experiencing, I would advise seeking tailored support to your situation. You’re welcome to reach out to me directly to discuss in more detail if I can help with your situation or offer suggestions on appropriate resources.
The power of difference in relationships
Although difference in relationships can be a source of conflict, it can also be an opportunity for diverse perspectives, skills and excitement. Often what makes someone else most interesting at the start of a relationships is learning about their differences and how they make sense of and move through the world. It can get back there again, but with the added benefit of truly understanding the value your differences bring to your relationship.